In the Gospel today, Jesus laid down to his disciples the process on how to go over or respond to interpersonal conflicts as expected of them in the Jewish culture of that time. Conflicts in human relationships are as old as humanity itself. It is as old as original sin. In the Scriptures, especially in the Old Testament, we hear and read countless situations of war, bickering between tribes and families that at times led to death and murder. The Scriptures are not just a collection of stories about holy and sacred things, but it is also filled of horror stories on the struggles of humanity to be true to oneself as created in the image and likeness of God. It is packed with stories on how the human person goes against his very nature as good. Matthew presents a three-step process for
dealing with a church member who has sinned against another member during the early beginnings of the Christian community. First step, we are to work it out - one on one - as opposed to trashing the offender before everyone else. We are to go first to the person himself or herself. If that doesn't work, Jesus tells us to take two other people, to still try to build a bridge of healing. Finally, Jesus says, that if that doesn't work, we should let this be a matter for the community. Only after all this effort at reconciliation has failed, should we say we have done the best we can.
The advice of Jesus to his disciples in the Gospel today, on how to resolve conflicts, is still very much applicable to our modern times. The dynamics on how to do it may have changed, but the importance of fraternal correction and the value of communication in our relationships are still part of the core values of Christian life. No matter how holy or nice one is, nobody has been spared of personal conflict in one way or another — even Jesus found himself in disagreements with the scribes and Pharisees.
The importance of fraternal correction is deeply rooted on the central teaching of Jesus to love one another. If charity (love) is always the motivating force behind everything we do, then we will always desire the good for others. The virtue of love, when integrated into our lives as Jesus showed us, can produce only good. Love is the source of energy that nurtures all of the other Christian virtues. And, if I truly and genuinely love, I will only desire the good or the best for the other person, which includes guiding that person who has done wrong to the right path. That’s why it doesn’t make sense when someone says, “I can’t really challenge or tell him that what he is doing is wrong because I do not want to make him feel bad because I love him immensely.” True love rejoices only in the good; not to say anything in the face of evil is to enable that person to persist in sin and contribute indirectly to his/her continuous downfall, whether it be addiction or any kind of sin. Why do we, as baptized, need to care for what others do or have done wrong? Why can’t we just mind our own business and not be concerned for others? This would have been the easiest way to avoid conflict. This is especially true in individualistic societies: as long as you don’t bother me, I don’t care what you do. But as baptized and as followers of Christ, we have the moral responsibility for the salvation of other people, not just our salvation. To be a follower of Christ is to become the visible presence of God to others, which means that we have to lead others to Christ as well. A lot of people think that sinning is just about committing something, but a huge part of it is actually omission, not doing what is expected of us. To approach this painful duty of fraternal correction, it entails many qualities: courage, compassion, patience, gentleness, humility, sincerity,
reverence, a desire to preserve the other’s good name, prudence, tact, mutual dialogue, true listening and mercy. The existence of the Church herself is to make us realize that our journey back to God is not a solo flight, but with other people starting with our own family – underscoring the sublime truth that the salvation of other people is as important as my own salvation.
When one always genuinely looks after the good of the other, then gossip is avoided and relationships are deepened. In our own lives, how do we respond to conflicts in our own relationships? Especially in your married life, how do you handle conflicts? Is it with defensiveness and passive-aggressiveness? Or, do we resolve them with honest communication and with a great deal of prudence? – Fr. Cary